Every time Thomas Friedman starts a sentence with "Look," a little kitten accidentally hits "Reply All".

Every time Mitt Romney combs his hair, a little kitten gets to the theater late and misses the first ten minutes of a movie.

Every time someone puts a business school license plate frame on his Audi, a little kitten drinks too much at a work-related event.

Every time there's an Oprah retrospective over the next 2 years, a little kitten will get a cryptic performance review.

Every time a contestant on PROJECT RUNWAY cries, a little kitten drunk dials an ex.

Every time someone reminds everyone that he doesn't own a TV, a little kitten eats an entire bag of Doritos.

Every time Bill Kristol smiles, a little kitten gets a parking ticket.

Every time a new L.A. food truck opens a Twitter account, someone checks a little kitten's Evite page without responding.

Every time someone in Hollywood pitches another teen-vampire movie or tv show, a little kitten sits down on a wet toilet seat.

Every time Kobe dunks, a little kitten finds a hair in his salad.

Every time someone spells "you're" as "your" on Facebook or Twitter, a precious kitten has a little spot of diarrhea.

Every time someone untags herself in a picture on Facebook, a precious little kitten has to pay late fees on his cell phone bill.

Every time someone posts a picture that he took of himself in a bathroom mirror, a little kitten gets a summons for jury duty.

Every time an athlete says "it is what it is" in a post-game interview, a little kitten's iPod battery dies.

Every time someone says "I'm such a nerd," a little kitten pukes on a nice rug.