Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Every time Thomas Friedman starts a sentence with "Look," a little kitten accidentally hits "Reply All".
Every time Mitt Romney combs his hair, a little kitten gets to the theater late and misses the first ten minutes of a movie.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Every time someone puts a business school license plate frame on his Audi, a little kitten drinks too much at a work-related event.
Every time there's an Oprah retrospective over the next 2 years, a little kitten will get a cryptic performance review.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Every time a contestant on PROJECT RUNWAY cries, a little kitten drunk dials an ex.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Every time someone reminds everyone that he doesn't own a TV, a little kitten eats an entire bag of Doritos.
Every time Bill Kristol smiles, a little kitten gets a parking ticket.
Every time a new L.A. food truck opens a Twitter account, someone checks a little kitten's Evite page without responding.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Every time someone in Hollywood pitches another teen-vampire movie or tv show, a little kitten sits down on a wet toilet seat.
Every time Kobe dunks, a little kitten finds a hair in his salad.
Every time someone spells "you're" as "your" on Facebook or Twitter, a precious kitten has a little spot of diarrhea.
Every time someone untags herself in a picture on Facebook, a precious little kitten has to pay late fees on his cell phone bill.
Every time someone posts a picture that he took of himself in a bathroom mirror, a little kitten gets a summons for jury duty.
Every time an athlete says "it is what it is" in a post-game interview, a little kitten's iPod battery dies.
Every time someone says "I'm such a nerd," a little kitten pukes on a nice rug.
Every time Eleanor Beardsley overpronounces something in French on NPR, a little kitten has to wait at home for the cable guy.
Every time someone makes a reference to her new iPhone on Facebook, a little kitten's contact lenses dry out.
Every time someone deletes a non-offensive comment on Facebook, a little kitten has to drive home because he can't remember if he locked the front door.
Every time someone in a large black Mercedes or BMW pulls a dick move on the Westside, a little kitten forgets to take his cell phone charger on his business trip.
Every time someone buys Sarah Palin's new book, a little kitten has to get a colonoscopy.
Every time someone pays $6 for a drip coffee and says it's worth it, a little kitten forgets her canvas shopping bags in her trunk when she goes into Trader Joe's.
Every time Joe Lieberman chuckles, a little kitten gives up its dreams and decides to go to law school instead.